


Trash Panda Trauma

by ChimeraArts



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29972889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChimeraArts/pseuds/ChimeraArts
Summary: A friend had a financially horrid experience caused by a raccoon and a group of us discussed the fact that ‘the raccoon did it’ is a ridiculous explanation for a lot of damage. The conclusion was ‘I should have hit the trash panda,’ and I thought this would make an amazing pair of lines for a prompt. SO here goes!Shep and Garrus are on assignment in Canada when they encounter some trouble from local wild life.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	Trash Panda Trauma

Garrus leaned in closer to Shepard, the sweet lilac smell of her mixing with the scent of the needle covered trees around them and asked softly, “what are these things called? I’ve never seen anything like them on Palaven.”

The Vancouver spring wind tugged at the locks of her red hair. "Turian-trees." Shepard said. 

He gave her a withering stare. “Yeah, because your civilization renamed a plant after the Relay 314 incident. 

Shepard nodded emphatically. “Sure did.You barky-fuckers made a big impact.”

"I'm serious." He'd said. 

"So am I.” she said with a wicked grin. “Normal trees are soft, and have big nice shady leaves. These things have rough bark, they’re poky, and dangerous all over and don’t react well to getting hugged.”

He ignored the obvious jibes. “Why would someone hug a tree?”

“Phenomenon from a conservation based political movement.” Shepard said. “But, just like turians… they provide great cover…” Garrus rolled his eyes. “And once you're up and close with one..” she stepped in towards him her face inches from his,”It’s hard to get away. End up with pointy things tangled in your hair and you can get... stuck on them.”

He raised a brow. “These trees impale you?” The minute he heard the words his eyes flashed wide and his face got hot. Shit, that sounded… he hadn’t meant to. “Ahh...I mean-”

But Shepard was grinning. 

“No.” She said. Slipping an arm around his waist. “But they have this nutrient filled matter inside called sap that is sticky and messy. Pretty hard to get off.”

He glared at her. “Are you suggesting the trees have _performance issues_.” He growled.

“No! No, no, no!” She said stepping back and waving her hands innocently “The sexy tree-man has *very* hard sturdy wood. Great on the floor, or table….or….desk…. No issues here!”

He cocked his head to the side, moving forward a little until she backed in to one of the trunks of the ‘turain-trees’ in question. He didn’t press her into it though, worried that the bark would leave scrapes on her frustratingly unarmored golden skin. “Mmmmm…” he rumbled thoughtfully, “I don’t know if I believe you. You don’t sound so sure. And I’ve heard that different atmospheric conditions can...warp wood. I think we should make sure that everything's still fine down here.”

She bit her lip for a moment eyes narrowing at him. “On:, we are *supposed* to be shouting, and two; I am very confident that everything is just fine _there_. It was all _three times_ this morning.”

“Yeah.” Garrus said, brushing her ear with his lips, heart quickening as lilac filled his nose, “but if you don’t factor exposure time into your calibrations, you can end up in very very dangerous territory.”

She turned her lips towards his. “You share a tent with me. You seem to thrive in _dangerous territory._ ” He chuckled softly and her lips neared his.

A loud crack rang through the mountain shadows, breaking the tension between them. Garrus and Shepard snapped into action. His rifle was off his back and in his arms in a flash and her omniblade shimmered into life as she sank into a crouch, their attention locked on the campsite and the direction of the sudden sound. He could see a shadow moving on the inside of their tent, and he fixed it in the center of his cross-hairs as it neared the entrance and came into view. He started to pull the trigger-

“Hold!” Shepard barked suddenly and he froze, his finger a hair's breadth from firing his rifle. Instincts honed from following the human female into battle a hundred times taking control. Something dark and furry shot out of the tent and up the trunk of a turian-tree. 

“The hell is that?” He breathed.

“Just a raccoon.” Shepard said quietly, her eyes still flicking around the campsite. “Local wildlife. Troublesome, but not dangerous.”

“And the sound we heard?” His eyes fell on a branch of another tree that was hanging at an odd angle, wood paler than the bark around it visible at the point where the limb was broken. “Something snapped that branch and -”

“The raccoon did it.” Shepard said calmly. “Must have happened while it was heading towards the tent. They are scavengers, eat food left by humans, they get called ‘trash pandas’ cuz they look like a garbage eating version of another earth species with a more lovable reputation. 

The raccoon was out on another branch, fiddling with something in its dexterous paws, something blue in its mouth. It dropped the thing in its hands and there was a blinding flash. Shepared and Garrus both ducked, Garrus placing himself between Shepard and the blazing light and rush of hot air. 

After a moment, when he was sure he wasn’t dead or maimed he opened his eyes and stared at the remains of the campsite. The raccoon had dropped a grenade front he branch and blown their tents and equipment to smithereens. 

“So much for not dangerous!” He raised his rifle, raccoon in his sights and fired.

“No!” Shepard yelled, shoving the barrel of the gun out of the way at the last second so that the bullet slammed into the trunk of the tree and not the raccoon that was somehow still perched on the branch above the decimated campsite. “Garrus, its just an animal - you can’t kill it just for following it’s instincts.”

“Yes I can,” Garrus said through clenched teeth, “because I’m a bigger animal following my own instincts. My visor was in that tent!”

“No, the raccoon has it.” Shepard said, pointing to the offending mammal that was indeed chewing on the metal am of his visor. “I’ll lure it down with a ration and once it smells the food it will forget all about your precious visor and the damn thing will be perfectly -”

But her voice trailed off as the raccoon tossed the 95,000 credit piece of blue and silver tech over its shoulder and the tinkling of shattering glass on the rocks below filled the air. 

Garrus released a long breath of air through his nostrils, a growl rumbling through his chest, pointed teeth bared at the stupid rodent in the tree. 

The raccoon hissed at him.

“You were saying?” Garrus asked through gritted teeth, raising a brow at Shepard. 

Shepard had a hand pressed to her mouth and her sides were shaking. 

He scowled at her. “May I ask Commander, what exactly you find so funny right now?”

A wild cackle burst from Shepard's lips. “That thing survived Sarren, Omega, a rocket to the face, the Collector base, the hit you took in London, _and_ destroying the Reapers…...but just got broken by a raccoon!”

“I hate you.” Garrus hissed and stormed into the smoking remains of the camp. “I never should have boarded your stupid ship or listened to you!” He squatted over the bits of broken glass and picked up the arm of the ruined visor and muttered under his breath. “I should have hit the trash panda.”


End file.
